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ISU PD: “Stop Using Steam Tunnels to Cook Vegetables; Other Steamable Foods”

AMES, IA – In an unprecedented move, the Iowa State Police Department released a statement requesting that the ISU student body “Cease and desist using the steam tunnels to steam-cook any food, vegetables or otherwise.”

The release stated, “We understand that steaming foods is an alternative to frying vegetables or dumplings in oil, but the steam tunnels simply aren’t designed for the preparation of edible human food. Also, how the hell are people spending enough time to steam myriad foods down there without sustaining burns of the third degree?”

For our readers that may be studying business or the soft sciences, steam is gaseous water. At 1 atmosphere of pressure, liquid water changes to the gas phase at 373.15 Kelvin. However, unlike water, steam can be heated to temperatures much higher than this, becoming superheated. This high-temperature steam can cause flash burns of face-melting severity. The Authority values our readers’ ability to have non-steamed eyes that can read our articles, therefore we suggest following the ISU PD’s cease and desist order.

Despite the use of heavy anti-steam rhetoric early on, the police department supposedly still directly supports the use of steam in cooking at home. “We recommend putting your broccoli in a microwavable bowl with about 2 inches of water in the bottom, covering with a plate, and microwaving on high for approximately 8 minutes or until the stems are tender.”

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